Thursday, September 26, 2003
A WARNING TO YOU LOWLY PORN THIEVES

I know many of you enjoy the CJ tales of reckless abandon and debauchery. I have quite a few Nagasaki sized bombs to drop on you guys dealing with some very lascivious activity. However, I must take my attorney’s advice to “Stop shooting myself in the proverbial foot by listing my probation violations on the internet.” That being said, for the time being, I would like to publicly disavow any knowledge of any said drunken, coked out hooker sex that may have been filmed across state lines recently. For now, I will just stick to one of my time tested pseudo-rants.

Today’s subject: FILE SHARING

Lately, there has been a lot on the news about the recording industry crackdown on these immoral file swappers. Some 1500 people who were swapping music files have been subpoenaed to appear in Federal Court by the RIAA. However, it’s a fact that, there is plenty more than just MP3s being swapped on KaZaA.

There’s…

SOFTWARE: Yes, there’s a lot of software being traded on these networks. Did you know that Adobe Photoshop has a list price of $999? Huh, it seems to me that every computer I’ve ever fucked around with over the past 10 years has had a copy Photoshop installed on it. Huh, either some little nasty persons have been stealing, or my friends are richer than I thought they were. Probably the former, but the software companies don’t seem to be shitting egg rolls over it.

Next we have…

MOVIES: Do you want to watch a wobbly bootleg copy of “Pirates of the Caribbean” with crappy sound some dude taped in a theatre that sucks? If so, KaZaA is the way to do it! Fuck that, I’ll just wait till it comes out on DVD!

Of course, we’ve all heard…

MUSIC: Yes, these people are the fuckers that seem to be making the biggest stink about file swapping. Did you know every time there is some kind of advancement in music technology; the recoding industry comes along to try and crush it? During the 70’s the recording industry attempted to sue the manufactures of tape decks because people could tape albums. More recently, there was similar outrage expressed over CD burners. Do you know why these technological advancements are seen to be a great threat to the “powers that be” in the music business?

BECAUSE THEN THEY WOULD ACTUALLY HAVE TO DELIVER A PRODUCT THAT IS WORTH WHAT YOU ARE PAYING FOR IT!

Oh no, the Jew run media can’t have that! You hade better keep forking up18$ for crappy CDs that would serve you better as drink coasters! Yes, for decades the music business has been ass raping its customer base. Now, the fucking fat cats running the scam can see the end of the track for this gravy train, and they are starting to panic!

The RIAA has tried everything to combat file sharing, including guilt tripping fans by putting their favorite artists on commercials to speak out digital thievery. Did you know on the average recording contract only 2 – 4% of the royalties actually even go to the artists? After the mangers, agents and lawyers get a hold of their cut, it leaves most artists with nothing from the CD sales! That means some faceless fat fuck is pissed you are downloading his 96% to 98% -- that’s all. Fuck, looks like he’ll have to hold off another month before he can afford that summer house in The Hamptons! What a bunch of greedy whiners! The Recoding Industry brought this scourge on themselves, and they deserve it, so SWAP AWAY! Trust me, you aren’t hurting anyone!

But, let’s not forget about…

PORN: You should, under no circumstances – EVER, EVER share porn files! That’s right our beloved American institution is already in enough trouble. The lovely females that make porn what it is, don’t not get paid shit for what they do. There’s barely enough incentive now for a maladjusted teen with low self esteem to start throating cock on camera, let alone some LOWLIFE PORN THIEF stealing from the little they do earn! In this Republican era of “trickle down” economics – there’s not much room for “trickle”, especially in the jizz biz! It’s all in the words -- do you need it translated? “Trickle Down” – YOU ARE GETTING PISSED ON! Since we are not blowing the shit out of some foreign land at the moment; now is a prefect time for Ashcroft and his goons to wage the war he has long promised: THE WAR ON PORN! This means, like the defendants of the RIAA inquisition; there will be incitements, hearings, and subpoenas. You know what that all leads to right? LAWYER FEES!

The cash spent to get the pornographers of this mess will again be “trickled down” as pay cuts to the porno girls; who are already doing 20 man bukkake gangbangs for a mere pittance! As money becomes scarce, the talent pool of young women for these porn flicks will dry up. Then people that do buy, will slow down because of the diminished quality of talent, and this will erode the pornographers bottom line. As soon as the porn industry’s revenue streams dry up, they will run out of lawyer money. With no more funds for lawyers, the folks that run jizz biz will succumb to the Ashcroft’s Witch-hunt, and wind up being sent to prison. With all of these businesses folding, it will displace millions of Americans, who were quietly leading decent lives marketing porn. These people, unable to find work elsewhere because of their past involvement in porn, will get into violent crime. This, in turn, will overload the courts and correction systems with the influx of unemployed smut peddlers. The porn industry will become a memory of the distant past, only living as a fading memory on file swapping networks!

With the industry out if the way, it leaves only one person for of the Ashcroft / Bush goon squad to come after: YOU! The prison system will bog down even more – eventually the number of Americans incarcerated will outnumber those left on the street. A giant multi-billion dollar sized hole will be left, the already fragile, economy. The county will fall into disarray. Merciless budget cuts will have to be made. Medicare will go first. With the lack of affordable healthcare, new strains of disease will form and reach pandemic level. With the death of porn, billions will shut off their computers, causing a massive surge on the power grid; leaving the entire county powerless. The only modern connivance that the populace will be left with is their automobiles; which they will turn to for heat, shelter and power. The massive release of hydrocarbons will kill all plant life, oxygen levels will plummet, and pollution will be so thick that it will eventually black out the sun; thus ending all life as we know it.

An as a result of the cataclysm, the Moon will be knocked off kilter, and it will collide with the dead Earth; sending it hurtling into deep space. Over millions of years, the remnants our planet will be eroded by the cosmic winds, and will reduce what is left of Terra Firma to chunks of debris. If we are lucky, the chunks of our once mighty planet will reenter another world as a “pretty light show” of shooting stars, to be seen be alien beings who will be there to enjoy it, because they are smart enough to NOT TO DOWNLOAD AND SHARE PORN!

Yep, and this all happened because YOU downloaded a bootlegged copy of “Girls Who Suck Cock and Eat Cum- Volume 6” - CONGATULATIONS YOU PORN THIEVING BASTARD!

So what’s the moral to this story?

NEVER EVER SHARE PORN! BE A HERO -- NOT A ZERO! TRY A 3 TRIAL MEMEBERSHI” FOR YOUR FAVORITE PORN SITE!

Werd up,

Jay