Wednesday, July 14, 2004
Georgia Off My Mind

Q: Why does Georgia have a lot of black people and California has a lot of earthquakes?

A: California got first pick!

I have no desire to turn this into another racist rant, but unless you are a member of the Dungeon Family or a professional basketball player, Atlanta just ain’t geared for you. Let’s face it: Atlanta sucks fifty pound bags of dick and calls it a light lunch, but that’s an insult to places that merely suck dick…like New Jersey.

With this joke, I am bidding a final farewell to my stomping grounds of the past fourteen years: Atlanta, GA. That’s right, folks, I’m making like geese and getting the flock outta’ here! Greener pastures lie in the OC – a.k.a. Huntington Beach, CA.

Atlanta used to be cool, but the magic has been fading every year. Indeed, I would have never stayed in this shithole so long if it weren’t for the mind-bending success of Dick Delicious and the Tasty Testicles, my formative career as a drug dealer, or my state-sponsored legal troubles.

Einstein’s General Theory of Relativity predicts there would be black holes in space where matter, light, and time cannot escape. An Event Horizon must exist somewhere in the Atlanta metro are, because, year after year, you see the same people at the same places doing the same damn thing, as if the clocks stopped sometime in 1990. Even if California does massively suck (which I don’t see happening) I have the comfort of knowing I have this monotony to return to.

Excluding a very small handful of people, most ATLiens are little more than philistines, charlatans, and plebeians –- complete losers that smile out one side of their mouths and plot to fuck you out of the other. I’ve never encountered bigger two-faced losers in my life. If you are reading this and you think I MIGHT BE talking about you, I am.

If I could take the last 15 years back and start again, I would -- believe that.

The best years of my life have been gloriously pissed away, but what did I really expect from a state like Georgia? The truth of it is once you are out of Atlanta, you are in GEORGIA, and that’s really fucking scary. Trust me on this one -- they never rebuilt this place after General Sherman burned it to the ground back in the day!

So, why Huntington Beach? Let’s see: perfect weather year round, peaches don’t grow on trees but it seems hot chicks do, tacos everywhere, world famous surf, and beautiful beaches. A friend of mine out there summed it up perfectly when he said:

“It’s like being on drugs, without actually having to be on drugs.”

Expensive? Yeah, but you get what you pay for. Know what else is great? I’m fucking rich…beeaatch! One of the most common questions people ask me is, “What do you do for Consumption Junction?” Aside from writing these homepages and getting wasted with Paul -- NOTHING! I run Jays XXX Links and that makes me a grip of cash, plus I can do it from anywhere! Why operate my business from the 7th level of Hell? For those that enjoy my articles – I will continue to write for CJ covering events from the West Coast.

I’m not going out there to “make it”, so I’m not trying to do the LA schmooze thing, but one thing about LA -- there’s only one person that all the celebs, actors, and rock stars want to know: SOMEBODY in the porn business, and here I am…

Maybe, I am a golden god.

This may all seem abrupt, but I had a moment of clarity when I was out there for ten days last month. I spotted this kid walking down the beach carrying a surfboard. What was different about him from everyone else I had seen during that time? I had to think about it for a minute, but couldn’t place it. So, I looked back again. Yes, there was something different about him…

HE WAS BLACK…

Holy moly! Whoops, I just did it again!

It matters not…

If California slides into the ocean
Like the mystics and statistics say it will
I predict Atlanta will still be standing
But for now I’ve had my fill…

Georgia’s off my mind.

Long live the HB / the 714 / the OC,